Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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