I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
