no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
How many fucks given?
0.12846
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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