just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
there's paper in my vomit.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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