All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
