I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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