Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
