So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
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