You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
