I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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