I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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