Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
