You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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