you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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