Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
