i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
