I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
