I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
