I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Randomize
