just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
