SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
