Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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