Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
