I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize