Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
