if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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