I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
