Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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