I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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