Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
