So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
