you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
