can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
