the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
