Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
