Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
