my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
