Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
