trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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