we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
