omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
The air was thick with penises
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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