it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
