No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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