Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize