i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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