New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
