I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
