So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
