in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
