he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
