Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
