Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
