sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
