i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
