I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
