I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
