I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize