how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
