Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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